The shame and guilt that followed the divorce almost buried me. I never imagined this level of brokenness, this depth of loneliness, or this amount of pain.
I lost everything–my church, my community, and all my relationships, with the exception of one friend. Even my parents were unsure what to do with me. I had always been their “perfect”, overachieving, unrebellious child, and my choices devastated them.
I lived in an apartment and cared for my three-year-old son Monday through Thursday. And worked night shift every weekend to try to financially survive.
Every Friday we met in the Thrifty parking lot and I said goodbye to my son … until Sunday night came–when he cried and screamed and didn’t want to come back–didn’t want to leave the yellow house he knew, or the daddy he loved.
It was never meant to be like this.
What a mess I made—I had been so selfish … and now, as a result, I was so broken.
But we are found by mercy in our most broken places… ← Tweet That
Places where we hit rock bottom … when we’re stripped of everything and everyone, finally at the end of our own selves.
And one of my lowest moments came at Christmas. It was our son’s turn to spend Christmas with his dad, and I thought I was prepared. Just three days earlier it had been his birthday, and now it was Christmas. And he was so excited.
I packed his things, loaded him in his car seat, and drove to that familiar neighborhood—to the yellow house on the tree-lined street where we had lived as a family. And he didn’t miss a beat as I unbuckled his car seat. He couldn’t wait to get inside. To him, this was home.
I handed over his things and the exchange was short and to the point. The disgust of interacting with me was glaringly obvious, and it was clear no words would be said that weren’t absolutely necessary.
I started my car and began to drive away … away from the son whom I loved.
It was Christmas, and I was alone.
No family, no parents, no child.
No friends, no church, no community.
What had I done?
And how had my choices possibly led me here?
As I drove away and glanced in my rearview mirror at that tree-lined street, the tears just came. Spillover tears fast and furious rolling right down, blurring my eyes from seeing the road at all.
I had hit bottom–the end of my self.
And as I sat in my car, I knew I had to surrender. I knew it was time. It had been time for a long time…
Time to exchange my pride for humility … my own plan for His.
God is opposed to the proud but gives grace to the humble. James 4:6 (NASB)
God extends His grace and unmerited favor to those who humbly acknowledge their need for Him. But humility requires a death to ourselves—an acknowledgement that we cannot make it alone … that we need God.
And that day, I determined to surrender. To open my heart to Him again.
In my life I had known Him. And even through the sin and failure, I knew He had been unrelenting in the pursuit of my heart, and had never stopped coming after me.
The Lord is near to those who are of a broken heart and saves such who are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent. Psalm 34:18 (AMP)
In my brokenness that day … crushed with sorrow for my sin and humbly sorry for my failure … God met me there, and He really was close.
No matter what had happened in the past, or what would happen in the future, I knew I wasn’t willing to live my life without Christ. And although I was full of guilt from choosing to sin, and full of shame for my failed integrity, I knew if I had a chance of rescue from this mess, HE was my only chance.
The LORD also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, A stronghold in times of trouble, And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, For You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You. Psalm 9:9-10 (NASB)
So alone in my car, with a wet face, puffy eyes, and a runny nose, I prayed. I opened my heart and asked God for mercy … to forgive my selfishness and pride, and all I had done. To give me a new start.
And isn’t that what Christmas is all about?
Him coming to us in a manger,
In the stench,
In the lowliest of ways…
To meet us in our most desperate moments–in our most broken places … to rescue and save us even there.
And that Christmas day, Mercy Found Me. God’s grace was abundant, even for a sinner like me.
And although it would be a process, I drove home knowing this would be the beginning of a brand new start with Him.
Have you ever been brokenhearted?
How was God close?
How did His mercy and grace give you a new start?
To read When Mercy Found Me {Day 9} ←click here
To read ALL posts in this series, When Mercy Found Me ←click here
This has been such a great series! Your writing is so beautiful and captivating! I can’t wait until the next post!
Beauty from ashes– Jacque, thank you for sharing. The six weeks of studying 1000 Gifts and scripture memory with you has added meaning now, and I am challenged by your words. Blessings!
So thankful for you and your encouraging words to me, thank you.
Yes Cheli, from ashes indeed. And yes, it is from those ashes that came the beauty of intimacy with Him and my passion for small groups and spiritual development, a passion born from a broken place and the hope I found in Him. Such a privilege to have spent that time together with you!
Ive been following too Jacque. Thank you for sharing. If you ever do church in visalia, ill be sure to attend. God Bless. D.
Dolores…thank you for your note 🙂 And Visalia, yes, such sweet growing-up memories…Blessings to you!!
GOD bless you for your frank testimony. JESUS bore my guilt and shame away too as much as HE bore yours. Every Christian was that lost sheep (“that lost”) before HIS Mercy found us. Glad to see you testifying to the power of HIS Calvary Love.
Thank you Anita.
Dear Jacque, I’m finally able to take a moment to read your story (this is Rocio, btw). I knew only the other side of it, the side that was willing to “cast the first stone” and focus on the sin and the “let’s fix this mess” type of Christianity, almost completely disregarding the broken sinner, laying on the ground at the mercy of those who consider themselves holier, with their only hope being the Savior next to them willing to step in front and take the beating for them. It pains me not to have known how to reach out to you, or to the ex-wife. Even though I’m a pastor’s kid myself, I don’t believe I ever had training on how to love or help someone who has committed adultery, until reading your story. I don’t cry a lot, but I actually stopped and cried when I read the last post. I didn’t know you had been alone that Christmas, and that breaks my heart. It makes me wonder how many people in my circle of influence, or fellow “sheep” have been abandoned and left alone to fend for themselves after falling from sin. As I read your beautiful understanding of total surrender, I picture our Great Shepherd leaving the 99 sheep and running to find you in “the storm” of your darkest moment, at the nick of time. Now I get it and also understand mercy. I’m proud to call you my sister in Christ and my sister-in-law. May your testimony be used by our merciful Lord to guide many onto mercy’s path.
Rocio…thank you for your kind, generous, and insightful words…and thank you for your gracious love over the years…for accepting me and welcoming me just right where I am. God has been so good to me and *I* am thankful for you…YOU are a gift!
Ohmigoodness. I have traveled this very same path and though I have written much about it, I have been reluctant to write with such transparency. Reading your words, I’m reminded of those moments in my life. My very own moment when mercy found me in the midst of my sin-wrecked despair. I’m reminded of why God prompts us to share our stories – because they are all, ultimately, His stories of grace and of mercy. Thank you so much for your obedience to Christ in writing and sharing so that He may be glorified. People need our stories because they serve as vessels of His mercy. Bless you. <3
Oh Nadia, I know they do…our stories give others a life line to know mercy can find them too! Giving thanks with you for God’s mercy that found us and His grace that made us mended and whole. Only Him. I’m still overwhelmed. May He be glorified is my prayer too! xoxo
Thank you, thank you for telling your story, I am going through the very same situation right now. We’re not divorced yet but the pain(I have asked for forgiveness) of his looks of disgust and his hurtful words to me and tells my son to tell me are taking their toll on me.Your story has helped me to see i’m not the only one.
I know a person’s journey is between them and God ultimately, but in the case of adultery, is the adulterer still living in sin until they try to reconcile the marriage?
Hi Jenny, thank you for reading and reaching out to me. God’s Word is clear that we are all sinners, and the only way we are seen by God as righteous, is that we are clothed by the righteousness of Christ, and Christ’s righteousness never changes, no matter what we do–sin or no sin. In light of that, I think it is so important to do our best to honor God and His Word, not because He will stop loving us if we don’t, but out of our gratitude for all He’s done for us and because we will have more joy and less pain in our lives when we do. Because the truth is there are always consequences to sin, and those consequences can linger for a lifetime. I do think it is always best to seek reconciliation before divorce, but there are many circumstances in which reconciliation does result. And the best news of all is that there is NOTHING that can separate us from God’s love. Ever. His grace is sufficient, and His mercy is new every single morning. And I am so very thankful.
Oh Leigh, I am just now reading this and so thankful God is able to use even my story as an encouragement to you. May you feel Him close and know of His great love for you. xo
thankyou for your replies. i’m not in a situation of adultery, but i feel like there’s lots to learn about God and His love from your story, whether or not the specifics are relatable. thanks for sharing your story.