Today I’m joining Emily P. Freeman and others to celebrate the release of her new book, Graceful, by writing a letter to my high school self. Her first book, Grace for the Good Girl was so rich and full of truth for women, and this book, Graceful, is just what a teenage girl needs.

Dear me,

I hope this letter finds you relaxing just a bit, because I know how very busy you are. Between playing three sports, singing in the choir, performing the lead in Guys & Dolls, and being active in the youth group, whew! It’s hard to keep up with you!

Your Worth

I know your honors AP classes are demanding and your perfect-attendance-straight-A self is working tirelessly to do it all, but oh how I wish you could learn, sooner rather than later, that your worth and value is not dependent upon your performance.

You will be free one day, but it will take major failure and lengthy counseling for you release yourself from this prison. And when you finally choose to walk out from behind its bars, you will find heart-relief.

You’ll finally understand that your worth and value are not dependent on what you do, but a matter of whose you are.

Oh how I wish I could save you from the weariness of the trying.

Loving Others

Now. I know you love people and you crave connection. And this fact about you will never change. And because you love deeply and care passionately, you should know now, that this will lead to pain sometimes. But please don’t change. Don’t be afraid to love others. Don’t pull back from connecting just because it’s a risk … because there will always be risk.

When you love, your heart will be vulnerable and in danger of injury. And that’s why it’s so important to carefully evaluate who you allow to have access to your heart. Pay close attention and choose wisely. And then … don’t hold back. This passion is a beautiful quality. It will make you a loyal friend, a connected wife, and a nurturing mother.

There’s no doubt that from time to time you will feel the sting of the risk, but keep trying, because you’ll never be loved like you long to be you if don’t take the risk.

Fitting In

Rejection kills you and you are uneasy when others are not “okay” with you. You want them to like you and include you. But please. Don’t spend one more second worrying that you aren’t in the “in” crowd. You are following hard after Jesus and longing to please Him with your whole heart, and this doesn’t make for “popular” material.

Hang in there. There will come a day over 25 years from now, even after failure and disappointment, when you will be admired for your character and looked to as a mentor. It won’t be easy, but it will come.

In fact, in 20 years, at your high school reunion, so many of the people whom you crave attention from now, will thank you for planning such a meaningful reunion. And you know what else? They’ll tell you how much they appreciated and admired you way back then. Really, they will, watch and see!

So now, even though it seems they have it all together, believe it or not they are just like you–wondering how they fit in and desperate to belong–vying for position and rank. Even the ones who are “in” don’t feel like they’re “in”.

And unfortunately, I hate to break it to you, but this fact won’t change.

Trust me.

Even when you’re my age you’ll struggle with wanting to fit in and belong. So learn NOW to give grace. Shine Jesus. Reach out anyway. And who knows? Maybe some will find Him one day because of your highschool influence in their lives…

Boys

Now. About the boys. I’m sorry you have crushes on them and they don’t like you back. I know it’s painful and I see how you cry. I know you wonder if there’s something wrong with you–if you’re pretty enough or smart enough.

But please, PLEASE trust me when I tell you it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you. It’s just that you’re a bit mature for your age. You’re serious and passionate, driven and determined. You know what you want and aren’t afraid to pursue it, and that just isn’t what the average teenage boy is looking for.

In fact chances are they respect you very much and are a bit intimidated by you. So even though you feel rejected, please believe me when I tell you that you’re smart and beautiful and kind, and these qualities will be magnetizing to an awesome guy someday. Trust me. It will be worth the wait.

Having Fun

On another note, I know you’re a detail-driven girl. Trust me I know you. But do me a favor? Don’t fret too much about the career you’ll need or try to plan everything out to the tee. Obsessing about details and micromanaging everything will just frustrate you in the end. And people hate that anyway.

Just relax.

Try to play more and lighten up.

Dance in the rain.

Learn to laugh.

I know this will be hard for you, because it’s still hard for me, but if you can do it, you’ll find life more satisfying and relationships easier.

Loving Your Family

Now I know you may not be ready to hear this when you’re still so focused on yourself, thinking you’re miss independent and all, but please spend more time with mom and dad. They love you and would do anything for you.

STOP! Before you interrupt … I’m putting my hand out in your face and asking you to hear me out, because I’ve lived a little longer than you, and I can see around the bend.

And I get that maybe you won’t understand this part at all until you hold your first baby 10 years from now. But. You must know … They adore you. They REALLY do. And even if they’re annoying or embarrassing, they only want what’s best for you.

So, it’s just the little things … Say yes whenever mom wants to take you shopping or buy something for you. And hug dad’s neck anytime you can, because he never got to hear much of that growing up, and there’s a lot of catching up for his heart to do.

Never mind that he’s strong and opinionated, and doesn’t seem to need it. Inside he wants to be valued and appreciated just like anyone does. And it will mean so much coming from you. He wants to feel like he’s done a good job and that he matters, and your hugs and I-love-you’s will be salve to his heart.

And please, don’t forget to spend more time with your younger sister. I know it seems like you’re far apart in age and don’t have much in common, but she craves your approval. And she’s going to need you. There are things she’ll face and she’ll need your listening-not-judging ear. It’s not easy being related to you, and your perfectionistic self.

There will come a day you when you wish you would have been there for her more, and I just wish you didn’t have to regret your lack of effort in connecting with her. It’s never too late … don’t give up trying. She needs you and you need her too.

When You Fail

Oh, and one more thing. The most important of all … I wish I could save you from the character development you’re destined for, but I can’t.

And I hesitate to tell you how major tragedy and personal failure will rip your perfect-pollyanna life apart, but I’ll just say it this way:

Embrace your failure.

Lean into it.

Learn from it.

Because no one would be able to maintain the perfect-performance-life you’ll be trying to attain. It is bound to catch up with you. And you are bound to fail. And you will.

But know now, that God will take this misery–He’ll take your ashes from the fire you set, and He’ll turn them into beauty.

I wish it could be possible to save you from the pain you’ll walk through in the fire though.

But this is the only way you’ll be changed.

It’s the only way your idealistic-judgemental-perfectionistic self will be transformed.

And it is only through this, that you’ll find true intimacy with your God.

You’ll be found by His mercy and transformed by His grace and you will never be the same.

So in the midst of your failure, surrender to the work He wants to do in you. Don’t focus on your mistakes, but on the future hope you have because of Him. Release your guilt and shame and trust in God’s redemptive plan for your life. He’s in this business. He’s got it and you will make it.

Trust me I know … and you’ll love the beauty, for you, that He has in store!

Never stop trusting and believing…

Jacque

 If you could say anything to your teenage self, what would it be?

Emily is inviting all of us—any who want to participate—to write a letter to our teenage selves.  If you feel so led, publish it on your blog and link it over at Chatting at The Sky. It should make for some fabulous weekend reading. If you’d like to join, find out more here.