Sometimes we’re mended little by little as we stop and choose to see all the ways He loves.
I awake to kids arguing and yelling … punching actually. And as I investigate why this is happening, it becomes no surprise why punches were thrown. At seven and eight years old, April Fool’s Day is a new and exciting excuse to do practical jokes one may not have otherwise attempted at all. And it turns out, no one, including me, thinks this one’s funny.
As I approach the feuding duo, I almost don’t want to ask what possibly could have happened to escalate things to this point. But being the fair adjudicating mother I am, on top of the irritation at such a rude awakening, I decide it best to proceed with the interrogation.
It seems son A has put son B’s most prized stuffed-animal possession in the toilet and then proceeded to place its wet limpy body onto his bed. Son B has not only returned the favor by saturating son A’s most prized animal possession, but in addition, has also put it at THE bottom of the trashcan under last night’s dinner trash for Son B to dig out at his own risk. Son B minces words with Son A, one pushes, the other hits, and finally comes the scream that wakes me straight up in bed.
So … after an hour of cleaning up the toilet-water-soaked friends and sanitizing the various drippage of toilet water around the house (a privileged activity for which I know you’re jealous) I call a family meeting. I subsequently banish and outlaw all April Fool’s Day jokes, and we finally begin our day.
After all that cleaning and scouring we are behind. And silly me, for thinking immediate obedience can now happen … Silly me for dreaming this day could now proceed smoothly.
There’s complaining about the cursive copywork, antsy energy at the table, and yawns and groans through Bible.
And let’s just say, I open my mouth way too fast and fail to model the fruit of the Spirit that should be evident in me. One minute I’m explaining about idol worship and the next minute I’m bowing down to my own idol … my covetous desire for something better, for something more. I long for a new role that makes me feel amazing.
Motherhood is sometimes dark. Maybe you can relate?
I do what I do not want to do, and don’t do what I do want to do. Wow can I relate to Paul!
I’m held captive by my own naysaying voice, scolding myself inside, and crippling who I can be in Christ.
Then because of my guilt and shame, I vacillate as fast as a fan turns on a hot day. I go one direction then another, faster than either one can satisfy … believing in one moment I’m enough, and in the very next, wondering why I was even tempted to believe I could ever be enough at all.
I live in the shadow of the brokenness, caused by all my doubt.
I shatter my own hope that I can do this–that I can be for them who they need me to be.
I mock my own effort of reflecting Him to their little lives.
How can they see Him when they see the haste and short-tempered moments in me? What a joke I am!
And there-in begins my spiral downward, and it’s not even 10am.
In the dark, life begins. And in the dark, life comes forth … It is in the dark we begin to grow. ←Click to Tweet
I meet a friend for a short hour together yesterday while the kids are at a community sports class.
I come carrying the weight of all I’m not and all I wish I’d be. Not only in mothering but as a nurse, a writer, and a friend. I’m discouraged and not sure I’m cut out for all these roles. I’m sensing I’m in over my head.
But the sun shines and spring has begun even though I feel in the dark. And as I wait for her to come outside, it’s then that I look down and see them. I see daisies in the sun.
They’re nothing extraordinary, but more than ordinary at the same time. They stand tall, glimmering and shining in the sun. The full blooms are open and there are buds with blooms to come, all of them sitting on a carpet of green.
And right there I see Him. I see what He makes, and I sense Him impressing a message on my heart…
“It’s beauty, all beauty. Will you trust me to make beauty in you?”
Winter always comes before spring. It’s cold and damp and then there’s the pruning–dying down to almost nothing. And then … in His time, comes the beauty–this beauty whose potential is there all along but just can’t be seen.
In the seemingly dark and doubting ordinary-daily moments, what will my choice be?
Will I trust Him with it all?
Will I believe I am able to be mended by Him?
That He is even doing so little by little as I take the time to really open my eyes and see the ways He loves me … even if it is through seeing daisies in the sun?
Remember, even in your dark moments, He loves you,
And choose well.
Because for me and for you … for yesterday, today, and for every day … He. IS. enough.
What dark moment are you facing today?
What do you see that reminds you of His love?
Here’s the schedule for the coming weeks…
April 4 – Chapters 20-22 :: Jacque
April 11 – Chapters 23-25 :: Denise
April 18 – Chapters 26-28 :: Tracie
April 25 – Chapters 29-31 :: Concluding Thoughts